The Dead Prince Sketch

by Jude

UTENA enters through a door that rings a little bell. ANTHY stands behind a counter.

UTENA: I need to register a complaint.

ANTHY: Konnichiwa! How can I help you?

UTENA: I wish to complain about this prince whose story I bought not half a lifetime ago from this very boutique.

ANTHY: Oh, yes, that's the Rose Prince. Um. What's, er, wrong with him?

UTENA: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my friend. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!

ANTHY: No, no, he's, uh, he's resting.

UTENA: Look, friend, I know a dead prince when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. (She points off to the side, where AKIO sits on a throne.)

ANTHY: No, no, he's not dead, he's resting! Remarkable Prince, isn't he? Lovely plumage. Saves all the princesses of the world.

UTENA: The princesses don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

ANTHY: Nononono! He's resting!

UTENA: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! (shouting in his face) Hello, Prince! Look! There's a princess needing some saving, right outside the window!

ANTHY: (kicks him) There, he moved!

UTENA: No, he didn't. That was you kicking him!

ANTHY: I'd never kick my oniisama!

UTENA: Yes, you did!

ANTHY: I never did anything!

UTENA: (yelling in his ear) HELLOO, PRINCE! Testing, testing testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Kicks him in the shin. Shakes his shoulder. Watches him topple out of the throne into an undignified position on his face, butt in the air, his cape falling around his head.)

Now that's what I call a dead prince.

ANTHY: No, no... No, he's stunned!


ANTHY: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up! Princes stun easily.

UTENA: Um. Now, look, friend, I've definitely had enough of this. That prince is definitely deceased, and when I bought his story not half a lifetime ago, I was assured that his total lack of movement was due to him not being able to save his own sister. Narrative rules or something.

ANTHY: Well, he's... he's... ah, probably pining for his castle.

UTENA: PINING for his CASTLE? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did his story fall flat on its face the moment I got a chance to really listen to it?

ANTHY: Princes prefer their stories to be modest, but inspiring. Remarkable beings, Princes, aren't they? Lovely plumage!

UTENA: Look, I've taken the liberty of examining that Prince, and I discovered that the only reason he's been sitting on his throne in the first place is that he'd been NAILED there.


ANTHY: Well, of course he was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Prince down, he would've spotted some princess as needed saving and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

UTENA: "VOOM!"? Lady, this Prince wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him. He's demised!

ANTHY: No, no, he's pining!

UTENA: He's not pining! He's passed on! This Prince is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired! He's a malevolent stiff! Bereft of life, he drives around and around in a squiffy red car! If you hadn't nailed him to the throne, he'd be boinking the underclassmen! His narrative processes are now history! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his immortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the ranks of evil bishounen! THIS IS AN EX-PRINCE!


ANTHY: Well, I'd better replace him, then. (looks under the counter) Well, I've had a look around the back of the shop and we're right out of Princes.

UTENA: I see.

ANTHY: I've got a monkeymouse.


UTENA: (sweetly) Pray, does it rescue people?

ANTHY: Nnnnnnot really.


ANTHY: (looks UTENA up and down) But you'll do just fine. If you'll just take the job, that'll fix things.

UTENA: Hmmm.

ANTHY: You get me in the deal.

UTENA: (brightens) Well, come on then!

Exit, arm in arm, pursued by a monkeymouse.

Disclaimer: This is a work of parody and is earning no money at all, which means that neither the owners of the Utena property nor the owners of Monty Python's property should feel threatened in the least.