One Afternoon, in the Fortress of Solitude

LOIS LANE walks into the main hall of the FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. She nervously strolls among the statues and trophies, poking idly at this or that item. A piece breaks off the exploding Krypton memorial statue thing, and she hurriedly kicks it under a computer console.

SUPERMAN walks in from the far end of the hall and looks surprised.

SUPERMAN: Lois! How did you get to my (posing) FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE?

LOIS: Well, um, it's sort of a long story.

SUPERMAN: I mean, I dug my (posing) FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE in the middle of the ARCTIC! Precisely so y-- I mean, the world couldn't find me sometimes, so I could have some alone time.

LOIS: It's not really friendly weather out there, I have to admit.

SUPERMAN: Great Scott! (posing in Curt Swan-drawn horror) You don't mean to tell me you WALKED here?

LOIS (sighing): Not exactly.

SUPERMAN: And how did you get in past my security system? After all, I built the security system with my (posing) super-fast Kryptonian brain. It even makes tea and toast.

LOIS: Er. Right.

SUPERMAN: Well, now that we've got all that out of the way, you obviously came here for something important, Lois. Is it (posing) LEX LUTHOR again?

LOIS: Um. No.


LOIS: No, no.

SUPERMAN (wilting visibly): Parasite? Bizarro? Composite Superman?

LOIS (perplexed): Composite Superman?

SUPERMAN (waving her off): Sorry, different timeline. It's not any of my major villains then?

LOIS (shuffling): Nooo...

SUPERMAN: Then what planetary catastrophe caused you to find my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE? After you obviously used your Press Pass to hijack a small airplane, fly it here because you were raised in a military family and obviously had the knowledge of how to do so implanted in your brain by the government, and then walked in snowshoes, bundled in an inadequate parka, until you randomly managed to stumble on the hollow mountain in which my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE is housed?

LOIS (staring, openmouthed): ...

SUPERMAN: After which, you evidently hotwired your SUPERMAN SIGNAL DEVICE to emit the correct signals to override my super-security system and even get past the sentinels of the BOTTLE CITY OF KANDOR!

LOIS: Look, Superman, I just needed to tell you something really important. There's no planetary crisis.

SUPERMAN (wilting more): Not even a little one? Maybe I could go back in time by flying backward around the Earth?

LOIS (shaking her head vehemently): No, no, no. Look, I just wanted to give you back your signal device and stuff because, well, I can't go steady with you anymore.

SUPERMAN (taking the signal device and looking at her disbelievingly through his spitcurl): You... you're DUMPING me?

LOIS: Yes. And... well, it's just that it's someone else.

SUPERMAN (swallowing hard, but looking noble): Well. Then, obviously, if you're in love with someone else, that's all right then, it makes perfect sense. Who is it, though? Could it be someone... CONTROLLING YOUR MIND?

WONDER WOMAN steps into the room behind LOIS

WONDER WOMAN: Not unless I've got a new power.

SUPERMAN (dropping the signal device): Y-you?

LOIS: That's what I needed to tell you, Superman. Princess Diana here just swept me off my feet. For two decades, I've been utterly celibate because YOU'RE Mister Milk-and-Cookies-must-be-careful-I-could-blow-your-head-off, and who the hell ELSE wants to risk pissing off the Man of Steel? Well, I'll tell you who (points at WONDER WOMAN) -- someone who was raised in Lesbian Paradise and KNOWS how to find my clitoris without having a galactic crisis of localized blood pressure!

SUPERMAN (looking wiltier): B-but, Lois...

LOIS: Oh, hell, why did I think I needed to do this, anyway? Let's blow this FORTRESS OF ERECTITUDE, Diana, and find a nice little lesbian B&B.

WONDER WOMAN: Okeydoke. (starts to walk out with arm around Lois's waist) See you at the next Justice League meeting, Kal-El?

SUPERMAN (waves wiltily): Right.

LOIS (over her shoulder): Maybe you should unshrink some nice Kryptonian girl from the Bottle City of Kandor?

SUPERMAN (eyeing Kandor warily): Right.

WONDER WOMAN (pokes her head back in and whispers): I heard a rumor that Robin is back to the short pants outfit.

SUPERMAN (blinking): Oh. (straightening up a bit and looking cheerier) Oh!

Exeunt WONDER WOMAN and LOIS LANE from the FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, arm in arm.