The Very Secret Diary of Ohtori Akio

Day 1: Many think me pretty. Many give flowers to sister, dead animals to me. Much nookie.

Day 409,234: God thing going well -- free food, free house. Pretty boys and girls seduced: 10. V. good.

Day 785,498: Anthy's temple bigger than mine. Cannot cope. Thinking about instituting patriarchy.

Day 819,248: Patriarchy going well. Temple now has nice additions, gardens of pleasure. Pretty boys and girls seduced: 56. Go me!

Day 825,104: Kingdom fell. Anthy and I now on the run. She says, "I told you so." I'll get her someday.

Day 1,549,203: The empire bows down before my legendary beauty. My dancing girls and boys fill the halls of my magnificent palace. Pretty boys and girls seduced: countless thousands. V. good.

Day 1,832,323: Empire fell. Anthy and I now on the run. She says, "I told you so." I *will* get her someday.

Day 2,394,057: Empire fell. Anthy and I now on the run. She says, "I told you so." Note to self: Empire turnover rate v. high since patriarchy introduced. Must think about ways to fix this.

Day 3,265,014: Anthy worried about weird monotheistic cult. Surely a fad.

Day 3,275,001: Pantheon fell. Smug monotheistic bastards looted all temples. Anthy and I now on the run. She says, "I told you so." I'll get her and her little dog too!

Day 3,379,234: V. pretty boy showed up last night. I will call him Dios. I wonder if he'll be my friend.

Day 3,400,001: Dios suggests that I become Prince and change my name to something with more snap to it. Decided to name myself after the Morning Star for impact.

Day 3,400,002: Anthy told me calling myself "Venus" was dumb. Changed name again.

Day 3,401,324: Prince thing sweet deal. Save the girls (and some boys)! Plenty nookie! Maybe I'll even get to be god again.

Day 3,402,568: Keep hearing humming noise in the shadows. Probably tinnitus. Dios tells me it will all work out. Still not god.

Day 3,404,734: Thought fortuneteller was being charmingly euphemistic when she saw many, many singing swords in my future! Wearing armor to bed now. Dios tells me it will all work out. Not god yet, though look more like smug bastard on tree now.

Day 3,404,953: Have hidden in obscure monastery. Dios says swords can't possibly find me here. Monks seduced: 23. V. good.

Day 3,405,122: Have hidden in obscure convent. Dios says swords can't possibly find me here. Nuns seduced: 36. Better.

Day 3,405,244: Have hidden in obscure university. Dios says swords can't possibly find me here. Students seduced: 174. Go me!

Day 3,405,531: Have hidden in obscure schoolhouse. Dios says swords can't possibly find me here. Schoolmarms seduced: 1. Losing my touch.

Day 3,405,622: Swords showed up today. Hid behind Anthy. Swords stuck in her! Go me!

Day 3,406,338: Seeing giant inverted castle in the sky now. Anthy suggests too much opium in youth as cause. Dios says it'll all work out.

Day 3,406,900: Found giant impressionistic sculpture of my bits. Have taken over school to be closer to it.

Day 3,406,934: Anthy pointed out sculpture is actually planetarium projector. Already engaged to wifty daughter of Chairman. When I'm god, it won't matter.

Day 3,407,123: School going well. Students seduced: 5. Still not god.

Day 3,407,858: Dios sulking in castle because has realized he can't get nookie, being disembodied. Students seduced: 47. V. good.

Day 3,408,111: Anthy stepped in front of swords today just to make me feel guilty. It's all her fault anyway!

Day 3,408,250: Dios told me kangaroo theme was stupid. Changed to roses.

Day 3,408,412: Assembled enormous harem of pretty boys. Just need one more to complete collection.

Day 3,408,667: Thought Nemuro was flirting when he said I was driving him insane! Damned pyro. Must start harem all over again.

Day 3,410,383: Dios out gallivanting with Anthy last night. Superglued his trousers to a giant snowglobe. Go me!

Day 3,412,050: Yet another new Student Council. Must write own letters by hand now, as Anthy signing her versions as "Rear End of the World." Someday, will shove her down the steps.

Day 3,412,134: Student Council seduced: 1. Had to trade special cell phone for that. Going for the rest. Not god yet.

Day 3,412,178: Got jaw unwired today. Sick of milkshakes now, even though cute boy makes good ones. Note to self: no trying to seduce lesbian fencers in future.

Day 3,412,295: Cute girl showed up today with rose signet. Dios sniggered when I mentioned her. Superglued his boots too. I'll be god yet!

Day 3,412,312: Had Anthy put superglue in champion's underwear today. Cute girl won duel. Yes!

Day 3,412,313: Cute girl beat VP again today. Forgot Dios disembodied so superglue doesn't work. I'll get him!

Day 3,412,315: Cute girl v. versatile. Made Anthy v. stylish dress out of tablecloth. Excellent domestic potential! Note to self: ditch wifty fiancee soon.

Day 3,412,331: Student Council President sulking because cute girl beat him. No nookie for me. Still not god, dammit!

Day 3,412,335: Anthy seems to be into cute girl. Think maybe Anthy is kinda gay.

Day 3,412,344: Student Council President rehearsed car spiel. Pants fell down. Explained that I have supernatural powers of holding open pants up. He agreed to only have shirt open in future.

Day 3,412,350: Students seduced: 3 or 6 or something like that. Car gets them every time. Go me!

Day 3,412,352: Everyone else falls for car, why not cute girl? Anthy suggests she is another lesbian fencer. Note to self: remember to dodge, just in case.

Day 3,412,355: Not lesbian fencer after all, though seems to have fetish about Ferris wheels.

Day 3,412,359: Am now planning move to castle. Need furniture, plenty nails. Almost god!

Day 3,412,360: She refused stylish pink dress! Wrecked castle! Now have to hallucinate brand new one. Note to self: Dios makes lousy drinks.

Day 3,412,361: Anthy says, "I told you so." I'll get her, just as soon as she comes back!